Your negative self talk is that voice in your head that tells you that you can’t do it, you’re not good enough. It also tells you silly things like God hates you or you deserve to die or live in poverty or some type of negative situation. Negative self talk all happens in your head and has the ability to make you form bad habits and other harmful things. Remember how the Bible always said you shouldn’t judge others? Well it’s there for a reason. We are bad judges of people, character, situations and our own selves. If we listen to our negative judgement we are likely to avoid opportunities and do stupid things with our resources.
First a story. I wrote the previous post on a Saturday as I was on the commute home. I was feeling good. I completed my shift. I completed my workout. I fed a homeless dude that I found sleeping in the gas station. I wrote a reminder on my phone to post a how to start a feeding program with less than a hundred pesos. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time in several months. I went home to pick up my younger brother, a nap and a shower. I’ll have shift the night after. I’ll have three to four hours sleeping at the office sleeping quarters before my shift begins. I was wasted. I had six plates of salmon sashimi, the only thing I get from all you can eat restaurants like Saisaki and Sambokojin. I also had some lamb. I’m half asleep because I was full. I was on my way to the office, I’m wondering whether to take the cab or not. Feeling it would be inconvenient to take an LRT Ayala Leveriza bus route to work since it’s a Saturday night. I took the bus and on my way down the bus stopped at the corner of Buendia and Chino Rocess some people got off and I proceeded to get off myself. several guys were in the way and I noticed my phone disappear from my pocket. The guy was blocking me and two guys went into different directions one toward the back end of the bus and one toward the entrance. I went after the guy toward the back someone yelled at me that thieves got some phones and got off the bus. I turned and went off the bus to go after them. I realised I got tricked off the bus. My phone was gone. I worked extra days to save money to buy it. Each hour I had to deal with an angry asshole and sometimes a nice person turned asshole because some asshole from my company screwed them over. I’ve been coming up with wonderful solutions for people who give me verbal abuse, going to work with less sleep than I should, commuting at night for months so I can buy an iPhone 6 only to have it taken for me a couple of months after I finally bought it. You can buy a brand new iPhone with call center income in four months if you only go to work, home spend only two hundred pesos a day and nothing else. No hang outs, no seeing friends, family, dates and projects. I have other activities so it took me longer.
I’ve been playing the scenario in my head for days then I realized that the situation I was in when my phone was taken was the best possible scenario given the conditions. I would have been dead or I would have been sent to jail for murdering the fuckers. My friend sent me a message about how whenever I lose an item to a thief or to my unexpected stupidity I am being called by God to donate “said lost item or money” to a parent who has great need to save the life of a loved one. God doesn’t force people. That would be inelegant. Instead, he puts together conditions and scenarios and let it play out. You want patience? God will never magically give you patience. You’ll be put in a difficult scenario where your face to face with a fucker and you’ll have to learn patience. You want financial provision? BOOM! Here’s a financial disaster. You’ll be in a financial situation and you’re helpless and God will guide you out of it. You want wealth? Difficult situation that requires survival skills to beat the lesson into you until you have good habits similar to wealthy people.
The next day I lost my keys. My house keys, my work locker keys, my gym locker keys and my bike keys. I can’t use my bike until I buy a new bike lock. I didn’t really notice how I lost it.
I was feeling pretty good. I’ve been listening to Tara Brach and the lessons I learned was to accept reality and move forward without seeking, wishing, or insisting on changing the results of the situation because that’s all in the past. What happened just happens and it’s unnecessary to add emotion that would hurt me further in the situation.
The appearance of seemingly god-sized problems and obstacles are a reminder to you that God is in your party (a term used in RPG games and also means group or team) and that God sized battles are God’s battles and all I need to do is to trust God to win though every now and then I’ll be called in to contribute.
I’ll just buy a new phone, I tell myself. I’ll pay off my card and buy a new one with a few days. I have some cash I tell myself. I’ll just wait for the announcement for the iPhone 6s on September 9 see if it’s worth it, decide on whether I should upgrade or get the same model as I lost (iPhone 6) and get myself another one.
The next day, I went to SM BF to go to the Globe store to get a new sim with my number back. Since I’ve been biking, I’ve taken this small bag with my valuables with my wallet and my valuables in it. No phone means it only has my wallet. I get out of the Globe store and I was like. Oh! I forgot to put my sim in my phone. I went to the restroom put my big bag on the sink counter then the small bag with my valuables, put my sim in the phone, got excited because it received a message from globe that it’s now active. I took my big bag and left. I wanted to call my mom to tell her that I’m on my way home and ask her to prepare food. I also decided to get her something so I walked to Jollibee near the cinema to buy her spaghetti. As I was reaching for my wallet I realised it’s in the small bag. I reached for the small bag it’s not there. I ran back to the restroom and it’s gone. The maintenance guy didn’t find it. I asked the guard about a lost and found and he radioed for what seemed like thirty minutes and nobody had returned it. I went home. Heartbroken.
I was hoping that as I walked back, I’d find the guy who picked up my bag. I was checking everyone as I walked. I stopped by a cigarette vendor outside the mall bought a cigarette with the twenty I found deep inside my bag and continued to scout for my bag. I wanted to cry. I can’t. I told God it’s not his fault. God did what he honestly believes is best for me.
All I have in my possession is Php 40 and found Php 500 in my drawer.
I call BPI to disable my ATM. They said I’ll be charged Php 100 to replace the card. I gave them the go signal.
I call the BDO to disable two credit cards. Phone representative tells me I’ll be charged Php 450 to replace each card. That’s Php 1,000 total. I told her about the ATM. She told me that I have to go to Megamall and accomplish an affidavit of loss. Don’t worry the bank will provide you a form all you need to do is to have it notarised. I have no idea how much it costs to have something notarized but I’m sure it’s worth more than a hundred bucks. Then I’ll need to pay Php 120 at the branch to have my card replaced and come back for it after a week. That’s one thousand four hundred twenty.
I’ll have to replace a Shopwise Card, a 711 rewards card and my SSS ID. My wallet has a list of all my monthly payments and a little over two thousand pesos in cash. Several people who owe me money suddenly began to pay me after they found out that I lost my phone. All the money was gone.
I went to sleep feeling powerless. The next day I went to work. I’ve hated going to work the past few weeks. I’ve even hated it more because of my misfortune. I even had to go to the clinic a few times because my stomach was upset the day I lost my phone. Despite that I was performing really well. The formation of habits had been worth it. I went to the gym and did extra work and I felt really good. While walking the wind was causing my shirt to outline the shape of the muscles that had formed on my body as I pass by my reflection it looked like a superhero. I was happy.
I went home and as I was on my way to the shuttle, (I’m not taking that route again) I got a message from a girl I went out with about how she just got my message and that it’s unfortunate and that we should stop going out. I said okay and sent my response the next morning. Day four I tell myself.
It was something like..
I imagine this would be for the best. As I imagine I’d have a worse time being abandoned at a time of an even greater set back might cripple me again. Compared to how I’ve been abandoned in the past and at a time I foresee future challenges and difficulties this is relatively a minor setback that only has an emotional pull. If shit hits the fan at a future event and more are at stake and this exact same thing happens and we’ve been going out for longer I’d be dumbfounded with how to deal with it. I’m grateful for your honesty and I hope you enjoyed our time together as I did. You seemed to but I guess I was wrong about many things. I hope you find a guy who isn’t working nights and has more free time. Till next time.
Four days of losing something important. Today the iPhone 6s is announced. I tell myself God allowed it because I deserved a better phone and that I shouldn’t be settling. I should quickly pay off all my debt and wait for the iPhone 6s to come out this November and December.
Day five. I’m not getting any help from insurance since I decided to cancel it. Although I’m disputing that they charged me and I should have coverage. Insurance will just return my money.
Day six. I receive a message about how someone had picked up my bag at SM City BF. The person said they already spent all the money in my bag and threatened to harm me. I posted information about them and sought help from my friends, some assisted with genuine advice and encouragement, some trolls were attracted by my post. As a result they tried to bully me for posting the info that included the people who took my bag.
Day 1: iPhone 6. Day 2: Keys to everything. Day 3: Bag and wallet. Cards and Money Day 4: Someone important. Day 5: insurance coverage for said lost phone. Day 6: faith in humanity I wonder what I’ll lose tomorrow? I asked myself/
Two sets of ancient words keep me from flipping out through the ordeal. Suffering comes from man’s inability to accept reality. -Buddha God then blessed the later part (after his legendary calamity) of Job’s life more than the former part. - Job 42:12
I thanked everyone for their encouragement and prayers.
Tomorrow. is day 7 and I’m wondering what I’m about to lose. My friend tells me that the only thing I should be losing are some calories. Then it got me thinking. I should lose this series of unfortunate events tomorrow. That’s an even better idea.
Last week we talked about negative self talk.
Sometimes I say I can do it.
Sometimes I say I can’t do it. I should be able to. I’ve had success in the past. I have the ability to learn.
I’m not good enough. I am. I just sometimes I believe that I’m not but I am. I am a shitty man. Despite that I’ve reached as far as I can reach. I’ve learned skills. I’ve built up my stuff from zero. It’s not perfect but if my goal is to make a little progress everyday, everything is within reach.
My dad said I’m a failure. I’ll always be a loser. I’m the black sheep of the family. Yes I am. My family has a history of perfect people “sarcasm” the shittiest member can accomplish amazing things. Besides my dad “was” a millionaire and the son of a former billionaire. Of course I’m a loser. I haven’t made a lot of money yet. I’m doing pretty well for a guy who only had one year of college and the problems that I encountered and had worked in a call center for three years. The other thing is my dad has difficulty communicating his love and appreciation to anyone. He was left by three wives and none of his nine children stayed to take over the family business. Fuck the money they tell him. What I’m currently praying for is that I’d get to understand him better and to finally learn what he’s (clumsily) trying to teach me and not let anything negative affect me negatively.
My mom always tells me. Umayos ka nga. Or. Ayusin mo buhay mo. In English it means. Fix yourself. Or. Get your life in order. As if something was wrong with me. Well my moms has a history of never giving compliments and had been bitter ever since I surpassed her income. It’s difficult for her and she doesn’t have any training to surpass me nor is she willing to learn from her offspring. I’m still working on making the relationship work. My current goal is to fix my communication skills by practicing precise communication so we can communicate well.
Sometimes I remember how my ex left me. Maybe she realized I’m a loser and decided to cut her loses with me. Maybe I’ll just pull her down. I’m useless to her. Maybe I’m useless to anyone. That’s reality. I can’t stop being happy because someone decides she’s not happy with me. Whatever people decide is their thing and has nothing to do with me. It is exhausting and often counter productive to live your life thinking of what other people will say to you or think of you.
I’m not financially successful yet. I’m almost thirty. When I was younger I said I’d be a millionaire by thirty and I’m only making my ends meet and buying a few luxuries every now and then. I’m a loser. Well there’s such a thing as character progression. If you make small progress consistently then you’ll be able to succeed. If you compare yourself with others you’ll end up being unhappy with yourself because there’s always someone better than you at something but that doesn’t mean they are better than you.
I’m not that good in school. I didn’t finish college. I’m a lower being compared to my peers. I can work really hard to accumulate advantages catch up but in the end they will all overtake me. I’m not from a rich family or anything. I’ll always have to settle for leftovers for the rest of my life. Some of the greatest people didn’t finish college. I never let the lack of resources stop me from my education. I still read, study, learn and grow. Many of my colleagues who finished college have already been surpassed by me and the people who are ahead of me are not that far ahead. I’ll definitely eventually catch up. Might take longer but I will eventually.
I haven’t gone to church for a few weeks. I haven’t prayed nor read the bible. God must really hate me now. God judges the heart. God is fair. God gives grace. Grace means unmerited favour. God calls me to pray to him and will listen. I shouldn’t judge others harshly the bible says. That includes myself.
At the gym I finished at the bottom. I’m such a weakling. How can I compete in events? I’m getting stronger and stronger. I look at myself in the mirror and see that I find my figure now more acceptable than a few months ago. I’m closer to my goal than I thought I was. I just need to keep going. My fat friends told me on many occasions that I wasted five thousand a month or so to participate in CrossFit workouts only to take better bathroom mirror selfies. I didn’t lose any weight. I’m still 183lbs. Despite that I have powerful legs now because I added I don’t know how much muscle mass in them all I know is that they look better and the leg part of my pants are tight now. The other thing is I lost two inches off my waist.
Here are my responses to last weeks questions. If you master how you respond to your negative self talk then you have a better chance of mastering your mind.
Will you tell yourself negative things? How will you respond? Will you take the negativity and think of a solution or will you use the negative thoughts as an excuse to inaction?
One last thing I’d like to part with you on this lesson is that every break through is a result of taking action while afraid instead of waiting for the fear to go away. If you wait for fear to go away the opportunity for the break through is much smaller than if you act while you have fear.
Thank you for reading. Your negative thoughts or self talk is a struggle you’ll have for the rest of your life. Practice handling it well. I’ll be here if you have questions. Thank you for your attention.
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